Back in my church youth group days, we opened each meeting by going around and sharing good news and bad news. For a while, my blog felt more heavy on the bad news side, then, with last week’s discovery of triplets, it started swinging the other way.
Today, it’s sort of in the middle.
I started bleeding some last night right before bedtime. I didn’t feel any different, but I was definitely bleeding. Rob, God bless his soul, came into the bathroom with me after I yelled out to him that I was bleeding.
We ladies see that sort of thing on a regular basis, but it’s the sort of thing you wish you didn’t have to ever deal with and thus keep that all private and to yourself. Women often reach the point with friends where bathroom talk can be discussed as easily as what was on TV last night – we all go through it in some fashion – but our men? It’s just not meant for them.
Thankfully, I married a matter-of-fact kind of guy, and our battle with infertility up until this point has really blown apart a lot of those privacy barriers that many hold sacred.
It’s a good thing, because I’m not sure I would have left the bathroom last night if it weren’t for Rob’s strong arms around me, guiding me to bed. I didn’t sleep much last night, even after the bleeding tapered quite a bit. I was up again at 3 to use the bathroom and started bleeding again. I might have gotten another hour of sleep before the alarm went off, signaling it was time to leave the house to make it to the doctor’s office when they opened at 7.
Rob was able to go with me this morning, something I could thank him over and over for, but I really don’t see a point. I’m not sure he would have been anywhere else this morning, regardless of how difficult being there might have been.
At the ultrasound that revealed our sweet triplets, our doctor warned us we may not make it through with all three. Baby C in particular was questionable, measuring a couple days behind in size and with a slower heartrate.
Preparing for a possibility is so much different than facing a reality, though.
My mind flipped through any number of bad-news scenarios between last night and this morning, as you can imagine. I did my best to prepare for the worst while hoping for the best, and finally, to trust that God would take care of us all.
The bad news: Baby C stopped developing at 6 weeks, 2 days. Its heart was no longer beating today.
The good news: My cervix is closed, and Babies A&B are doing well. Baby A’s heart was beating 155 beats per minute this morning, and Baby B’s heart measured at 158 bpm.
I saw Baby A’s heart flickering right away on the ultrasound and squeezed Rob’s hand as a tear left my eye. One deep breath. When the doctor got Baby B on the monitor next, I also saw its heart flickering and teared up a little more. Another squeeze, and another deep breath.
At that point, I could tell something was wrong with Baby C. Its sac had been right above Baby B’s in our first ultrasound, but I really couldn’t see anything today while looking at Baby B.
The doctor found our sweet Baby C but determined that its heart had stopped.
Rob and I are both enormously grateful for the health of Baby A and Baby B so far. They both looked great today.
But, Baby C. We’re just so sad that our littlest peanut didn’t make it.
On one hand, we know this is for the best. An early loss is better than a late one – better for my health and for the health of the remaining occupants. The loss of Baby C may also mean a better chance for A and B. They’ll have more room to grow and should have an easier time staying inside and baking longer.
Still. We would have done our best to see all three to a healthy gestation.
It’s confusing. It’s bittersweet. I’m sad for the loss of one but thrilled to see two thriving.
Goodbye, Baby C. You have two older angel siblings who I know are already taking care of you, along with plenty of angel friends. We’ll always love you.
I had to come check in on you today after your tweets yesterday. I am so sorry for your loss of baby C, Jenny. My heart breaks for you guys. I’m happy the other two are looking strong and healthy, though. I hope the worst is behind you now. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
I’m so very sorry for the loss of Baby C. I am thinking of you and your family every day.
I’m so sorry for your loss. <3.
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Baby C. I am glad that A and B are looking so good, and hopefully the duration of this pregnancy will be relaxing for you. I will continue to pray for your growing family!
Oh, I’m sorry for baby C, but it’s wonderful that A and B are doing great!
Sending hugs and prayers your way. I’m sorry for you loss and I hold hope and faith that A & B will continue to thrive. You are going to be a Momma….and a damn good one.
I’m so sorry. You are all in my prayers. (hugs)
i’m so sorry about little C
but i’m so very happy about little A&B!
*hugs* *hugs* *hugs* Thinking of you all and sending you peace.
*HUGS* HUGS* HUGS*
I’m so sorry, Jen! I’m glad A&B are doing well!
Therese
Nestie – GreenBride624
I am so sorry for your loss, and thankful for your other sweet precious babes.
I’m sorry to hear that Jenny! Just know that when I sent what is coming through to you in the mail, I didn’t know about the little C… love to you, Rob, A & B!!
I’m so sorry honey. Baby C is definitely up there with it’s other siblings though – and you know they are all cheering on A & B.
Hugs and good thoughts to all of you. <3
hugs to you all, thinking about you lots.
xoxo
I’m so, so unbelievably sorry.
I’m so glad babies A&B are doing well.
You’re in my thoughts ::hugs::
Hon I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of Baby C. I hope you’re doing ok. *hugs*
My heart goes out to your and your husband. I am so sorry for your loss. You will be in my families prayers as you continue your journey with babies A & B. Lighting candles and sending white light your way…
I am so sorry.
I don’t have any other words and I don’t want to say the wrong thing since I’ve never been in your shoes. You are a brave woman, and I’m praying for you, your little ones, and your husband on a daily basis – for strong, healthy babies. And for morning sickness that leaves you bedridden so you just KNOW everything is going well in there. 😉
((hugs))
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for the loss of Baby C. I am happy to hear that Baby A & Baby B are doing so well, though. I will keep you all in my thouhgts. ((hugs))
Jen I am so sorry for your loss. There are really no words to say. I can’t even imagine the mix of emotions going on right now. I’m always here for you.
wow. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. on the other hand, I’m happy to hear that A & B are doing good.
I am sorry you had to say good-bye to baby c. Praise for a healthy and strong baby a and b.
I’m so sorry about the loss of your baby C. The mixed emotions are so hard. I’m so sorry about your loss and are thinking of you.
Here from LFCA. So very sorry about the loss of baby C. I can imagine how torn you must feel, how strange to be grieving and simultaneously thankful that the other two are still thriving. I hope the rest of this pregnancy goes by smoothly. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.
I’ve been working non-stop this week, so I missed the news.
I am so sorry about Baby C. I know that must be so difficult despite the sweet news that babies A and B are doing well. You are in my thoughts and prayers constantly. I am so thankful to have met you and for you to allow us into your life and your story.
I’ll continue my prayers than babies A and B keep growing strong!
I am so sorry… Sending thoughts and prayers.
*LFCA*
I’m so sorry for you and Rob’s loss. You both (and Baby A & B) continue to be in my thoughts and prayers!
[…] sure how many! Then 3 became the most beautiful number. It wasn’t an easy road. Please read a few of her posts. The babies were born on November 22 at 28 weeks and 1 day gestation. […]
[…] been four years since my first loss and three and a half years since my second loss. We were told we’d lost Callista, and while that declaration was miraculously wrong, it was the most painful and confusing of my […]
link jumped from today’s post and landed here. not sure how i missed it the first time around (maybe you were further along when I started reading). even knowing how healthy and amazing Callista is today, this still made me cry.
so sorry for your losses and this scare. so happy and thankful to you all for sharing your lives with us.
xo